We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
