The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
