Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize