Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
