True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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