This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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