Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
