the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
