I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
