I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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