I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Every concussion has its silver lining
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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