Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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