Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
