my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
