My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
