I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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