just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
