If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize