I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
