dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
