man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Four minutes until I can fart!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize