I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
