I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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