watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
