well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
