last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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