Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
