omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
