I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
