My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
