let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
