And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
