I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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