the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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