I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
