Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i think my cat just said my name.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
