i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
