You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
