How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
