Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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