Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize