I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She needs sedatives and a leash
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
