I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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