i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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