There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
