Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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