So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
