Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We are two peas in an std pod
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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