im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
