Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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