I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
