i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My ass is underappreciated
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
