It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
