Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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