listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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