I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
