i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
