Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
